11 tips for spammers.

  • I rarely receive parcels, and when I do, they are so significant to me that I am at the depot, harassing the clerk there that my online tracker states that it is within 100 metres of me. Your attachment in the email is superfluous.
  • My penis size is fine thanks. If I wanted to make it larger, surely I would see a qualified doctor, not consult an online service? Maybe a book on Kama Sutra applied to the modern age would be more appropriate.
  • I do not need nor like to make ‘girls hot tonight’. First, I like women, not girls. Second, I trust my manly instincts. And third, this is not stuff I discuss with random people. And, especially since it’s nearly 40 degrees where I’m living at the moment, I doubt that the notion of ‘hot’ puts me or any fellow humans in the mood.
  • Britney Spears has some great weight loss tips. Wasn’t she past the popular stage in the 90’s? Surely we have a new role model for weight loss. Maybe Justin Bieber? He doesn’t seem to gain any weight.
  • I don’t really want drugs, but I like a glass of red every now and then, so if you spam ‘Gorgeous bottle of 1998 Penfolds bin 182, for $34.99, I might click the link.
  • Any notions of the word ‘party’ as a verb in an email makes me scream to the high heavens. If you say something to the effect of “A tranquil evening filled with a selection of cheese and crackers, with a wind quartet playing a rendition of cantina band” Then you might have got me.
  • I have a beautiful watch. I don’t need a rolex, especially with a variety of punctuation marks to get past filters. And ordering a watch online is like ordering anything like jewellery, you need to see it first.
  • I don’t care about making money at home offers. I tried networking marketing for a while but it is a massive buzzkill. If you say “Make more money doing hard work” I would click the link just to get the contact details of the copywriter who wrote it.
  • Stop advertising Russian, Korean, Chinese, Japanese, Brazilian and various other countries with an apparent load of women just busting for budding young men with bulging pockets of money. Your apparent notion that women from these areas are simply overflowing doesn’t make sense. Plus, on a banner advertisement next to content on a web page, those type of ads are ridiculous if the main character bosom’s are far larger than her head.
  • I don’t need a DOTA 2 key, nor World of Warcraft gold. If I wanted other ways to spend my money I would invest in some fountain pens. Or maybe a signed t-shirt print of “Lionel Richie fan club”
  • Conspiracy theories? Really? We didn’t land on the moon? 9/11 was an inside job? Why do I care? How about local conspiracy theories – “Gillard’s hair more red of late, frontbencher suspects Garrett wants better looking leader”  or  maybe pop culture based ones “What happened to Chuck in Happy Days?”

From the Bry

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>